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( music playing )
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ANNOUNCER: Starring tonight:
Bob Crane,
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Jo Anne Worley,
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Victor Buono,
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Forrest Tucker,
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and John Astin,
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Good evening, art lovers,
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For your enjoyment
and edification,
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three paintings on display,
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part of a collection of kookery
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unique to this special exhibit,
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Painting number one,
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out of the real estate section
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of a ghost town weekly,
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a ginger-bready item quite
appropriately called,
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House - With Ghost,
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This, ladies and gentlemen,
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is the Night Gallery,
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( bell tolling )
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This apartment is a dump, Iris,
let's face it,
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- Its a sweet little flat
in the heart of London
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and I like it, Ellis,
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Come on, face it, love,
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Got the bad end
of a lousy swap,
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A) the Twitchells got
our whole house in New Jersey,
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Meanwhile, we got stuck
with their tacky
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little three-room dump,
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At no extra expense
to us, Ellis,
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and in London,
you know what I mean?
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B) the expense isn't really
important to us,
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and C) for three months
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we haven't once been able
to entertain properly,
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Well, I think we've done
quite nicely, Ellis,
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Really?
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A few of your afternoon séances,
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some buffet suppers
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with the lot of plates
being bounced
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on people's knees?
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Come on, love,
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let's really throw some parties,
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meet the right people,
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Eh, here you go,
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Visiting England?
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Rent a house in the city
or countryside
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by the month or season,
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Charming residences
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at reasonable rates--
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with or without ghosts,
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Ghosts?
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Chichester's, Piccadilly,
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Let's say I run down,
see what we can rent
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on a short-term basis?
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Not that we need a ghost,
of course,
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but something with some grounds,
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some elegance,
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Why not with a ghost?
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You really do just flip
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right past my interest,
don't you?
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I like that idea,
a house with a ghost,
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Then, you don't know me
at all, do you?
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A house with spirits in it
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seeking to express themselves,
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Well, there's a whole motif
for entertaining
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right there, Ellis,
you know what I mean?
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If it pleases you, my love,
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Are you sure it won't overload
your Ouija board?
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Oh, I might point out to you
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that it's not very in these days
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to be unspiritual, Ellis,
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you know what I mean?
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Uh-hmm,
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Go ahead, see what they've got,
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something with
a money-back guaranty,
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not too expensive,
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and not for more than a month,
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Of course, my love,
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Should be quite long enough,
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Uh-uh-uh-uh,
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You Americans rush
past everything,
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Now, there's a perfectly
splendid house,
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Solid brick, Georgian,
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cool in summer,
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and right on the edge of London,
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Mr, Chichester,
I'm looking for something
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outside the city,
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more space,
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I'll know it when I see it,
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( sighs )
With a ghost, you said?
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Yes, It's the main attraction
for my wife,
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Your first ghost, Mr, Travers?
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Stay with a suburban spirit,
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They wear so much better
over the long haul,
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There's no banging around
until after sunset,
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But your country ghosts,
they're up at the crack of dawn,
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A) Mr, Chichester,
this is not going to be
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for the long haul, and B)
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I think the country air would be
better for my wife's health,
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Oh,
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an invalid starved for company,
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I get numbers of those,
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Wrong,
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My wife has dizzy spells,
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nothing serious,
it's just inconvenient,
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And C) Mr, Travers?
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Is there any special reason
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for a large country house?
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It has to do with the feel
of the place,
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I'll know it when I see it,
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Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh,
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Here, now,,,
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( muttering )
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Oh, first time,
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Canby Hall in the Cotswolds,
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That more what you had in mind,
Mr, Travers?
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Yes, it's very dramatic,
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And the staircase,
I like that,
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- It's good for
special occasions, this house,
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Yeah, just what
I was thinking,
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This is with ghost, isn't it?
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Oh, yes,
You see the asterisk down here?
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That is "with ghost,"
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Uh-hmm,
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Oh, by the way,
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are you set on any
particular placement?
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Placement?
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Well, there's
your bedroom ghost,
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your hall ghost, attic ghost--
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we've had quite glut
of attic ghosts,
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Well, that's not really
important, Mr, Chichester,
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As a matter of fact
I have a one-story
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ranchito tract house
just outside of Liverpool
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with a rumpus room ghost,
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But here, Canby Hall,
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now, this is your
stairwell ghost,
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Will that do?
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Stairwell ghost,
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Yes, I like that,
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Yes, that's perfect,
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Perfect ghost,
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That's the kind of thing
that gives an agent
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a splendid sense
of accomplishment,
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Just one moment,
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I will put Mrs, Canby's address
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on the top of the lease forms,
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and then if you want
to extend past a month,
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you can write to her
direct in Brighton,
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Mr, Chichester,
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why doesn't she live
at Canby hall?
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- Mrs, Canby?
- Uh-hmm,
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Well, I suppose
it's because of,,,
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Mr, Canby still being there,
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so to speak,
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You won't mind,
will you, Mr, Travers,
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Mr, Canby being a ghost
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for such a relatively
short time?
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You see, I feel
from my professional judgment
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that he is going to do
an excellent job
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of spooking around,
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He's got what it takes,
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What makes you say that?
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Well, he's a skinflint,
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restless nature,
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brutal in his business deals,
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tenacious,
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There's no way his widow
could take up residence there,
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particularly after he groused
at the way
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she broke his will,
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She got every farthing,
that woman,
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There is nothing worse
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than a couple squabbling
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after death has cheerfully
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pried them apart,
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Yes, that would be awful,
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IRIS: Well, these gardens
are an absolute mess,
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Our ghost does not have
a green thumb,
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you know what I mean?
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Oh, I like that,
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What a splendid entrance
I can make,
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I can really sweep down
these stairs,
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you know what I mean, Ellis?
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Yes, my dear,
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I visualized you
at the very foot of it
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the moment I saw the photos,
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( tapping )
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That marble must be
two inches thick,
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That's quality
construction,
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Obviously, Canby can't take
the credit for it, no,
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This place has been in
some earl's family for years,
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Canby pinned him to the wall
on some business deal,
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dragged him through the courts
until he got everything,
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including this place,
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And Canby, why is he a ghost?
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The very day Canby
was dispossessing him,
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the earl's young wife,
pregnant at the time,
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either fell or hurled herself
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down these very steps,
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He grieved for about a year,
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and then the earl shot
Canby dead,
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Well, who says Canby's
a ghost now?
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ELLIS: Mrs, Canby,
Tried staying here,
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lasted just a week,
apparent--
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( screaming )
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IRIS: Oh! Oh,,,
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Iris?
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Ohh,
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- Come on, we'll go slowly,
- No, no,
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Our bedroom's at the top
of the stairs,
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No, I'll be all right,
in a minute,
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00:10:09,090 --> 00:10:11,030
Look, I'll give
the local doc a call,
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00:10:11,030 --> 00:10:13,130
No, I've already seen
a doctor, Ellis,
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00:10:13,130 --> 00:10:14,230
Look, it doesn't hurt
to have somebody
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in the neighborhood know
about these spells,
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Oh,
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Better?
215
00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:22,230
Okay, hon,
216
00:10:32,030 --> 00:10:35,010
( snoring )
217
00:10:37,230 --> 00:10:39,050
You just pick it up
218
00:10:39,050 --> 00:10:41,110
and talk into it, love,
219
00:10:41,110 --> 00:10:43,140
and that little wire
coming out of it
220
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goes into a lot of other wires,
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and pretty soon one of them
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00:10:47,140 --> 00:10:50,190
comes right into my apartment,
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00:10:50,190 --> 00:10:52,200
and then I have you
on the phone,
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and I can hear your sweet voice,
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00:10:56,050 --> 00:10:58,100
and stop cursing your bloody
guts for leaving me
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00:10:58,100 --> 00:11:00,130
hanging for three whole days,
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00:11:00,130 --> 00:11:02,150
Sherry, darling,
we'd been moving
228
00:11:02,150 --> 00:11:04,080
and I couldn't get over,
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00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:06,100
I did call you, pigeon,
230
00:11:06,100 --> 00:11:08,050
but you were running
around somewhere,
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00:11:08,050 --> 00:11:10,170
I was running around?
232
00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:13,120
Oh, I like that,
233
00:11:13,120 --> 00:11:16,090
Sitting here
and moaning for you,
234
00:11:16,090 --> 00:11:19,030
and you think because I'm out
to Lyon's for a cake
235
00:11:19,030 --> 00:11:22,210
I'm running around,
Oh, lovey,
236
00:11:22,210 --> 00:11:25,210
aren't we ever
gonna trip off to Cannes
237
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and stew in that super sun?
238
00:11:29,140 --> 00:11:31,160
Just hang on a bit, can't you?
239
00:11:31,160 --> 00:11:34,150
We've almost got
a settlement worked out,
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00:11:34,150 --> 00:11:36,070
SHERRY: You've been talking
about that divorce
241
00:11:36,070 --> 00:11:38,000
for weeks, Ellis,
242
00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:39,210
Can't you speed it up?
243
00:11:39,210 --> 00:11:42,160
No, I can't hurry it up,
It's not--
244
00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:44,210
it's not an easy
business for me,
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00:11:44,210 --> 00:11:46,170
It's takes careful planning,
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00:11:46,170 --> 00:11:48,130
It's not my money,
247
00:11:51,170 --> 00:11:53,010
Sherry,
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two thousand a month--
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that's worth waiting for,
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Yes, Yes, I'll try,
251
00:12:00,210 --> 00:12:02,070
Bye, lovey,
252
00:12:11,110 --> 00:12:13,100
( screaming )
253
00:12:15,150 --> 00:12:17,030
IRIS: Ellis!
254
00:12:17,030 --> 00:12:18,070
Ellis!
255
00:12:18,070 --> 00:12:20,070
Ellis! Ellis!
256
00:12:20,070 --> 00:12:21,080
( screaming )
257
00:12:23,220 --> 00:12:24,230
Iris,
258
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It dragged me,
Something dragged me here,
259
00:12:29,030 --> 00:12:30,140
Sweetheart,
maybe you were just walking
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00:12:30,140 --> 00:12:33,050
- in your sleep,
- No, there were hands,
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I'm almost sure I felt hands,
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00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:40,230
Well, she seems perfectly
all right, Mr, Travers,
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00:12:40,230 --> 00:12:43,000
Possibly it's just
the excitement of moving
264
00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:44,100
into a new place,
265
00:12:45,230 --> 00:12:47,080
What is it, Doctor?
266
00:12:47,080 --> 00:12:48,120
I don't know who looked
at your wife
267
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in the past, Mr, Travers,
268
00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:51,040
but it's not just
269
00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:53,100
a simple case of vertigo,
270
00:12:53,100 --> 00:12:56,030
Huh, We were assured
it wasn't anything serious,
271
00:12:56,030 --> 00:12:57,070
By whom?
272
00:12:57,070 --> 00:12:59,100
A specialist,
The inner ear--
273
00:12:59,100 --> 00:13:01,150
it's called Meniere's syndrome,
274
00:13:01,150 --> 00:13:03,230
It makes you dizzy sometimes,
but certainly nothing dangerous,
275
00:13:03,230 --> 00:13:05,150
Well, that's true enough,
Mr, Travers,
276
00:13:05,150 --> 00:13:08,020
but this I something else,
277
00:13:08,020 --> 00:13:10,040
a larger deterioration,
278
00:13:10,040 --> 00:13:12,100
quite another problem,
279
00:13:12,100 --> 00:13:14,100
It,,,
280
00:13:14,100 --> 00:13:18,040
It struck my sister
in much the same way,
281
00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:20,030
We'll do a biopsy, of course,
282
00:13:20,030 --> 00:13:21,170
and we won't say anything
about it yet,
283
00:13:21,170 --> 00:13:25,000
But, uh, realistically,
284
00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:27,000
I'm afraid she hasn't
long to live,
285
00:13:28,160 --> 00:13:30,150
How long?
286
00:13:30,150 --> 00:13:33,030
Well, Luisa--
that's my sister--
287
00:13:33,030 --> 00:13:35,110
lasted eight months,
288
00:13:35,110 --> 00:13:39,030
Pain wasn't too bad
and she spent the time well,
289
00:13:39,030 --> 00:13:41,060
but it's hard enough,
290
00:13:41,060 --> 00:13:43,000
this kind of tragedy,
291
00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:45,130
It changes one's plans so much,
292
00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:50,040
Yes,,,
293
00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:51,110
doesn't it?
294
00:13:53,090 --> 00:13:56,070
( whistling cheerful melody )
295
00:14:02,140 --> 00:14:04,070
( whistling continues )
296
00:14:08,170 --> 00:14:10,100
Feeling better, love?
297
00:14:10,100 --> 00:14:13,110
My back is killing me,
298
00:14:13,110 --> 00:14:16,160
This mattress feels
like it's stuffed with sand,
299
00:14:16,160 --> 00:14:17,210
you know what I mean?
300
00:14:17,210 --> 00:14:19,120
Uh-hmm,
301
00:14:19,120 --> 00:14:21,230
Well, if you'll excuse me, love,
302
00:14:21,230 --> 00:14:23,200
I'm doing the steak for myself,
303
00:14:29,210 --> 00:14:31,040
( door closes )
304
00:14:33,180 --> 00:14:36,160
( phone ringing )
305
00:14:41,190 --> 00:14:43,200
( ringing )
306
00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:09,210
( ringing )
307
00:15:09,210 --> 00:15:12,160
- MAN: Sherry?
- Oh, Ellis?
308
00:15:17,220 --> 00:15:20,040
A) I am keeping my promise,
309
00:15:20,040 --> 00:15:22,170
B) It'll only be
for a few more months,
310
00:15:22,170 --> 00:15:24,140
No, ducky,
311
00:15:24,140 --> 00:15:27,080
not even a few more hours,
312
00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:28,230
What do you mean?
313
00:15:28,230 --> 00:15:31,080
A) Forget it, Ellis,
314
00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:33,160
B) Don't worry
your little head
315
00:15:33,160 --> 00:15:36,040
about a single thing, because:
316
00:15:36,040 --> 00:15:40,030
C) It's all over, ducky,
317
00:15:57,070 --> 00:15:58,100
Ellis?
318
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:10,190
- Yes?
- What's the matter?
319
00:16:10,190 --> 00:16:11,180
Nothing,
320
00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:15,050
Nothing anymore,
321
00:16:15,050 --> 00:16:17,130
( screaming )
322
00:16:20,210 --> 00:16:22,020
( Iris screaming )
323
00:16:22,020 --> 00:16:23,080
( thud )
324
00:16:25,140 --> 00:16:27,050
Iris?
325
00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:37,220
MALE VOICE: Mr, Travers?
326
00:16:41,100 --> 00:16:43,070
It's just a bill
for services rendered,
327
00:16:43,070 --> 00:16:45,150
A slight push,
328
00:16:45,150 --> 00:16:47,140
I don't need any services,
329
00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:50,050
Mr, Canby?
330
00:16:50,050 --> 00:16:51,220
But you asked for them,
331
00:16:51,220 --> 00:16:53,050
Steep staircase,
332
00:16:53,050 --> 00:16:54,110
marble steps,
333
00:16:54,110 --> 00:16:55,150
dizzy spells on record
334
00:16:55,150 --> 00:16:56,220
with the good Dr, Crown,
335
00:16:56,220 --> 00:16:59,120
Well, it was obvious
even to a ghost,
336
00:16:59,120 --> 00:17:02,010
It's nothing you can't afford,
337
00:17:02,010 --> 00:17:04,050
only two thousand a month
338
00:17:04,050 --> 00:17:06,190
- for life,
- No,
339
00:17:06,190 --> 00:17:08,180
Oh, come, come, come, come,
340
00:17:08,180 --> 00:17:11,070
But you said
the figure yourself,
341
00:17:11,070 --> 00:17:13,030
I wasn't gonna go
through with it,
342
00:17:13,030 --> 00:17:15,180
I was gonna wait till she died,
I swear it,
343
00:17:15,180 --> 00:17:17,030
Well, I wasn't,
344
00:17:17,030 --> 00:17:18,180
I'm an impatient man,
Mr, Travers,
345
00:17:18,180 --> 00:17:19,200
Here,
346
00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:23,040
I caution you,
347
00:17:23,040 --> 00:17:25,070
I have quite a reputation
of hounding
348
00:17:25,070 --> 00:17:28,120
my creditors to death,
349
00:17:28,120 --> 00:17:30,230
No, this is mad,
350
00:17:30,230 --> 00:17:33,100
What do you need money for?
351
00:17:33,100 --> 00:17:36,030
A) I'm a man of my word,
352
00:17:36,030 --> 00:17:38,090
B) I've responsibilities,
353
00:17:38,090 --> 00:17:40,070
ELLIS: To whom?
Your widow?
354
00:17:40,070 --> 00:17:41,200
She's in great shape,
355
00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:44,200
No sweat,
She's living in Brighton,
356
00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:46,070
She's having a ball,
357
00:17:46,070 --> 00:17:47,190
Just ask Mr, Chichester,
358
00:17:47,190 --> 00:17:49,180
Oh, no, Mr, Travers,
359
00:17:49,180 --> 00:17:51,040
You see, my wife upset
360
00:17:51,040 --> 00:17:53,000
the provisions of my will,
361
00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:55,150
She troubled my afterlife,
362
00:17:55,150 --> 00:17:58,100
No, Mrs, Canby won't be
getting another shilling
363
00:17:58,100 --> 00:18:00,030
from me--or you,
364
00:18:00,030 --> 00:18:02,000
The full address of the person
365
00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:04,070
you'll make the payments to
is on the top of this bill,
366
00:18:04,070 --> 00:18:06,210
She's living in Manchester,
367
00:18:06,210 --> 00:18:08,220
She's a wonderful woman,
368
00:18:08,220 --> 00:18:10,200
I wouldn't go back
on my promises to her
369
00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:12,090
for anything in the world,
370
00:18:12,090 --> 00:18:13,110
not for anything,
371
00:18:13,110 --> 00:18:16,130
You see, Mr, Travers,,,
372
00:18:16,130 --> 00:18:19,090
I, too,
had a bird on the side,,,
373
00:18:19,090 --> 00:18:20,180
like yourself,
374
00:18:20,180 --> 00:18:23,160
I'd do anything
in the world for her,
375
00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:24,210
Do you know what I mean?
376
00:18:24,210 --> 00:18:26,180
( Canby laughing )
377
00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:04,200
( bat screeching )
378
00:19:42,090 --> 00:19:44,110
I gave at the office,
379
00:19:50,040 --> 00:19:51,090
Oh,
380
00:19:53,180 --> 00:19:54,220
Sorry,
381
00:20:10,220 --> 00:20:12,170
As our third selection,
382
00:20:12,170 --> 00:20:14,210
an item from the past,
383
00:20:14,210 --> 00:20:17,030
That uniquely
American institution
384
00:20:17,030 --> 00:20:19,020
known as the pitchman,
385
00:20:19,020 --> 00:20:20,040
the wheeler and dealer
386
00:20:20,040 --> 00:20:22,010
of magical nostrums
387
00:20:22,010 --> 00:20:23,160
guaranteed to cure,
388
00:20:23,160 --> 00:20:26,090
to palliate, to bring back
the glow of health
389
00:20:26,090 --> 00:20:28,190
to everything but a cadaver,
390
00:20:28,190 --> 00:20:31,020
Bottled dreams, if you will,
391
00:20:31,020 --> 00:20:32,080
Our painting is called:
392
00:20:32,080 --> 00:20:35,020
Dr, Stringfellow's Rejuvenator,
393
00:20:35,020 --> 00:20:36,070
Drink hearty,
394
00:21:04,020 --> 00:21:06,160
( beating drum )
395
00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:18,210
May I have your attention,
ladies and gentlemen?
396
00:21:18,210 --> 00:21:20,010
Your attention, please,
397
00:21:20,010 --> 00:21:21,120
Now I call your attention
398
00:21:21,120 --> 00:21:23,170
to Dr, Stringfellow's
Rejuvenator,
399
00:21:23,170 --> 00:21:26,030
a strengthening cordial
that invigorates the stomach,
400
00:21:26,030 --> 00:21:28,080
stimulates the liver,
regulates the kidneys,
401
00:21:28,080 --> 00:21:31,030
and restores health
and vitality of the blood,
402
00:21:31,030 --> 00:21:32,190
gives new life
and vigor to all the tissues
403
00:21:32,190 --> 00:21:36,040
of the body,
it promptly stops the diseases
404
00:21:36,040 --> 00:21:38,160
to those organs peculiar
to both male and female,
405
00:21:38,160 --> 00:21:40,210
an absolute killer
for eruptions of the skin,
406
00:21:40,210 --> 00:21:43,020
an excellent remedy
for chills and dizziness
407
00:21:43,020 --> 00:21:44,110
and fevers of all kinds,
408
00:21:44,110 --> 00:21:46,050
Additionally, it stops cholera
409
00:21:46,050 --> 00:21:48,010
and all epidemic diseases,
410
00:21:48,010 --> 00:21:50,190
fevers of all kinds,
particularly that great scourge
411
00:21:50,190 --> 00:21:52,230
yellow fever,
It is the consumptive's
412
00:21:52,230 --> 00:21:56,030
great rejuvenator
and purifier of all the world,
413
00:21:56,030 --> 00:21:57,180
strengthens
and supports the system
414
00:21:57,180 --> 00:21:59,130
like bands of iron,
415
00:21:59,130 --> 00:22:02,030
Now ladies and gentlemen,
in any sizable city,
416
00:22:02,030 --> 00:22:05,090
this remarkable rejuvenator
could easily cost $10 a bottle,
417
00:22:05,090 --> 00:22:07,070
if it was available,
The fact is,
418
00:22:07,070 --> 00:22:09,000
it is not available,
I am its creator
419
00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:11,110
and sole proprietor,
And since I am a man
420
00:22:11,110 --> 00:22:13,060
who seeks not to profit
from the pain,
421
00:22:13,060 --> 00:22:15,160
the misery, and the anguish
of my fellow men,
422
00:22:15,160 --> 00:22:17,020
I offer this to you at pennies
423
00:22:17,020 --> 00:22:18,200
more than its production cost,
424
00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:20,050
One dollar a bottle,
425
00:22:20,050 --> 00:22:21,220
Six bottles for five dollars,
426
00:22:21,220 --> 00:22:23,070
But the supply is limited,
427
00:22:23,070 --> 00:22:24,160
I urge you to make haste
428
00:22:24,160 --> 00:22:26,130
in making your purchases,
429
00:22:28,040 --> 00:22:31,070
Uh, now my assistant
will pass among you,
430
00:22:31,070 --> 00:22:33,090
And remember,
no jostling, please,
431
00:22:33,090 --> 00:22:36,060
and only six bottles
to one costumer,
432
00:22:36,060 --> 00:22:37,220
Try to make
the right change, dummy,
433
00:23:02,200 --> 00:23:06,050
( no audible dialogue )
434
00:23:24,110 --> 00:23:25,140
Hmm,
435
00:23:28,060 --> 00:23:30,110
Now, before I find
out how much money we've lost
436
00:23:30,110 --> 00:23:33,190
because you don't know
how to add and subtract,
437
00:23:33,190 --> 00:23:37,030
who was that you were talking
to out there?
438
00:23:37,030 --> 00:23:38,210
I don't know who he was,
439
00:23:38,210 --> 00:23:42,020
You don't know?
He was asking questions
440
00:23:42,020 --> 00:23:44,150
- and you were answering him,
- Well, he just,,,
441
00:23:44,150 --> 00:23:46,170
- Yes,
he just asked who I was,
442
00:23:46,170 --> 00:23:48,110
and where I'm from,
and what's in the medicine
443
00:23:48,110 --> 00:23:49,200
that we've been selling,
444
00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:51,130
And you don't know who he was?
445
00:23:51,130 --> 00:23:54,050
No sir, I don't,
446
00:23:54,050 --> 00:23:55,120
Besides, all he wanted to know
447
00:23:55,120 --> 00:23:57,110
was how long
we was gonna be here,
448
00:23:57,110 --> 00:23:59,060
And you told him what?
449
00:23:59,060 --> 00:24:00,180
I told him--
450
00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:04,220
I told him I didn't know,
451
00:24:06,190 --> 00:24:07,230
Well,
452
00:24:07,230 --> 00:24:10,190
a revelation at last,
453
00:24:10,190 --> 00:24:13,050
The big hairless gawk
finally came up
454
00:24:13,050 --> 00:24:15,150
with the right response,
455
00:24:15,150 --> 00:24:17,190
Well, I'll tell you something
about those desert dwellers
456
00:24:17,190 --> 00:24:19,110
out there,
and, for that matter,
457
00:24:19,110 --> 00:24:20,210
all the citizenry of the soil
458
00:24:20,210 --> 00:24:23,000
in every burg on this earth,
459
00:24:23,000 --> 00:24:25,230
They got very short tempers
and long memories,
460
00:24:25,230 --> 00:24:27,190
and that combination
can send a man out
461
00:24:27,190 --> 00:24:29,070
into the night on a greasy pole
462
00:24:29,070 --> 00:24:32,020
with equal amounts of tar
and feathers,
463
00:24:32,020 --> 00:24:34,050
( knocking on door )
464
00:24:34,050 --> 00:24:37,080
All right,
Gently, Goliath, gently,
465
00:24:37,080 --> 00:24:39,080
Wipe that guilty look
off your face
466
00:24:39,080 --> 00:24:41,130
and see who's at the door,
467
00:24:45,010 --> 00:24:46,230
( door opens )
468
00:24:46,230 --> 00:24:48,120
MAN: Can I see Dr, Stringfellow?
469
00:24:48,120 --> 00:24:50,090
That would be me, sir,
470
00:24:50,090 --> 00:24:51,110
I was wondering if maybe--
471
00:24:51,110 --> 00:24:52,200
Well, come in, come in,
472
00:24:52,200 --> 00:24:54,080
No need to stand out
in the desert sun
473
00:24:54,080 --> 00:24:56,210
and addle your brains,
474
00:24:56,210 --> 00:24:58,040
Here, sit down,
475
00:25:01,180 --> 00:25:04,120
Now, how can I be
of service to you?
476
00:25:04,120 --> 00:25:06,100
I got a sick kid,
477
00:25:06,100 --> 00:25:07,210
real sick,
478
00:25:07,210 --> 00:25:09,180
There are no doctors around here
479
00:25:09,180 --> 00:25:11,170
and then I saw your wagon
480
00:25:11,170 --> 00:25:14,040
- and you call yourself,,,
- A doctor, Yes,
481
00:25:14,040 --> 00:25:16,220
I have a medical degree
from the Vienna Academy
482
00:25:16,220 --> 00:25:19,140
and several other equally
prestigious universities,
483
00:25:19,140 --> 00:25:22,040
Could-could you look at her?
484
00:25:22,040 --> 00:25:23,070
She's in terrible pain
485
00:25:23,070 --> 00:25:24,130
and I ain't got no medicine
486
00:25:24,130 --> 00:25:26,020
or anything,
487
00:25:30,030 --> 00:25:31,130
Well, unfortunately,
488
00:25:31,130 --> 00:25:33,130
I've retired
from private practice,
489
00:25:33,130 --> 00:25:35,210
I got money, doc,
490
00:25:35,210 --> 00:25:37,230
I was saving it up
for a new plow
491
00:25:37,230 --> 00:25:40,090
or some fixin' on the barn,
492
00:25:40,090 --> 00:25:42,220
Well,
it's not a question of money,
493
00:25:42,220 --> 00:25:45,210
No, I never heal for profit,
494
00:25:45,210 --> 00:25:49,020
Oh, perhaps if I just
took a look at her
495
00:25:49,020 --> 00:25:51,110
maybe I could
prescribe something,
496
00:25:51,110 --> 00:25:52,220
I'd be obliged
to you, doc,
497
00:25:52,220 --> 00:25:54,180
I really would,
498
00:25:54,180 --> 00:25:56,040
Her ma died a little over
a year ago
499
00:25:56,040 --> 00:25:58,120
and her sister the year
before that,
500
00:25:58,120 --> 00:25:59,210
so she's all I got,
501
00:26:00,230 --> 00:26:02,130
Yeah, yes, yes, indeed,
502
00:26:02,130 --> 00:26:03,200
Indeed,
503
00:26:03,200 --> 00:26:05,190
Well, Rolpho, be a good lad
504
00:26:05,190 --> 00:26:07,200
and hand me a bottle
of that rejuvenator,
505
00:26:07,200 --> 00:26:09,180
will you?
506
00:26:11,120 --> 00:26:13,000
( wind whistling )
507
00:26:14,210 --> 00:26:17,010
This won't take long,
508
00:26:27,090 --> 00:26:29,070
GIRL: Pa?
509
00:26:29,070 --> 00:26:31,040
Pa, is that you?
510
00:26:31,040 --> 00:26:32,230
It's me, honey,
511
00:26:34,070 --> 00:26:35,150
I brung this good doctor here
512
00:26:35,150 --> 00:26:37,220
and he's gonna make you well,
513
00:26:37,220 --> 00:26:41,070
Oh, it hurts so terrible, Pa,
514
00:26:41,070 --> 00:26:44,220
It hurts
so terrible bad,
515
00:26:44,220 --> 00:26:47,080
Where's the pain, child?
516
00:26:47,080 --> 00:26:50,020
Right here,,,
517
00:26:50,020 --> 00:26:52,060
but growing,
518
00:26:52,060 --> 00:26:53,100
Growing all over,
519
00:26:55,060 --> 00:26:58,110
It's an abdominal disorder,
520
00:26:58,110 --> 00:26:59,180
What can you do, doc?
521
00:26:59,180 --> 00:27:03,090
Is there any way
you can stop that pain?
522
00:27:03,090 --> 00:27:04,150
Well, you just give her
a tablespoon
523
00:27:04,150 --> 00:27:06,080
of this rejuvenator
every two hours
524
00:27:06,080 --> 00:27:08,000
and it oughta start to
525
00:27:08,000 --> 00:27:10,040
take effect by morning,
526
00:27:10,040 --> 00:27:11,170
And it'll cure her?
527
00:27:11,170 --> 00:27:12,220
Oh, without a doubt, sir,
528
00:27:12,220 --> 00:27:14,160
Yes, without a doubt,
529
00:27:14,160 --> 00:27:17,060
You just give her the,,,
dosage I've prescribed
530
00:27:17,060 --> 00:27:19,150
and well, she ought
to be all right
531
00:27:19,150 --> 00:27:21,110
early next week,
532
00:27:21,110 --> 00:27:23,090
MAN: God bless you, doc,
533
00:27:25,170 --> 00:27:27,210
Oh, just a dollar
for the rejuvenator
534
00:27:27,210 --> 00:27:30,060
and a small honorarium
535
00:27:30,060 --> 00:27:31,140
for my time,
536
00:27:40,180 --> 00:27:43,230
It's Dr, Stringfellow,
537
00:27:43,230 --> 00:27:46,040
I'm afraid that you have
the advantage, sir,
538
00:27:46,040 --> 00:27:47,130
Doubtful,
539
00:27:47,130 --> 00:27:50,110
I ran out of advantages
a long time ago,
540
00:27:50,110 --> 00:27:52,020
But the name is Snyder,
541
00:27:52,020 --> 00:27:55,080
It used to be Dr, Snyder,
542
00:27:55,080 --> 00:27:56,120
Snyder,
543
00:27:56,120 --> 00:27:58,010
Snyder,
544
00:27:58,010 --> 00:28:00,110
Oh, yes, I knew a Dr, Snyder
545
00:28:00,110 --> 00:28:01,130
at the Paris Institute
546
00:28:01,130 --> 00:28:03,040
when I was studying there,
547
00:28:03,040 --> 00:28:05,010
Oh, and another Snyder,
548
00:28:05,010 --> 00:28:06,040
a colleague of mine
549
00:28:06,040 --> 00:28:07,160
when I was called to Bulgaria
550
00:28:07,160 --> 00:28:10,130
to perform surgery on--
- Ha ha ha ha ha!
551
00:28:14,100 --> 00:28:16,170
I'm afraid that your humor
eludes me, sir,
552
00:28:16,170 --> 00:28:18,170
Oh, does it?
553
00:28:18,170 --> 00:28:20,130
Now let me tell you something,
554
00:28:20,130 --> 00:28:22,090
Dr, Stringfellow,
555
00:28:22,090 --> 00:28:23,140
That little girl there
556
00:28:23,140 --> 00:28:25,100
in the wagon bathed in sweat,
557
00:28:25,100 --> 00:28:27,170
if the pain
is on the right side,
558
00:28:27,170 --> 00:28:29,030
it's appendix,
559
00:28:29,030 --> 00:28:31,110
And if the face is gray
560
00:28:31,110 --> 00:28:33,030
and the pain is insufferable,
561
00:28:33,030 --> 00:28:35,150
then it's probably peritonitis,
562
00:28:35,150 --> 00:28:37,080
And if it is the appendix
563
00:28:37,080 --> 00:28:39,070
and it's been going on
for a week,
564
00:28:39,070 --> 00:28:41,030
all that's needed now
is a shovel
565
00:28:41,030 --> 00:28:43,090
and a small plot
of earth,
566
00:28:45,060 --> 00:28:47,110
Diagnosis by a drunk,
567
00:28:47,110 --> 00:28:49,180
Doubtless, but with a far sight
568
00:28:49,180 --> 00:28:51,010
more truth than the labels
569
00:28:51,010 --> 00:28:53,070
on those bottles of yours,
570
00:29:26,160 --> 00:29:28,100
Nine dollars,
571
00:29:28,100 --> 00:29:31,190
Traveled 300 miles for $9,
572
00:29:33,190 --> 00:29:35,120
What about that little girl?
573
00:29:35,120 --> 00:29:36,140
What little girl?
574
00:29:36,140 --> 00:29:39,200
Oh, that little girl,
575
00:29:41,120 --> 00:29:45,060
That little girl will be dead
within 48 hours,
576
00:29:45,060 --> 00:29:48,130
Said demise can hardly be
considered a testimonial
577
00:29:48,130 --> 00:29:51,220
for Dr, Stringfellow's
Rejuvenator,
578
00:29:51,220 --> 00:29:53,090
so right after supper,
579
00:29:53,090 --> 00:29:55,170
we'll be on our way,
580
00:29:55,170 --> 00:29:58,130
Hopefully, be 50 miles from here
581
00:29:58,130 --> 00:30:01,200
before the sad event
takes place,
582
00:30:01,200 --> 00:30:05,010
Couldn't you do nothing for her?
583
00:30:05,010 --> 00:30:07,110
Nothing short
of a resurrection,
584
00:30:09,140 --> 00:30:11,170
ROLPHO:
What's a resurrection?
585
00:30:12,200 --> 00:30:15,170
The bringing back of the dead,
586
00:30:15,170 --> 00:30:17,140
ROLPHO: Could you do that?
587
00:30:17,140 --> 00:30:19,230
Could you bring her back
from the dead?
588
00:30:19,230 --> 00:30:22,210
My dear moonstruck boy,
589
00:30:22,210 --> 00:30:24,030
If there was enough money in it
590
00:30:24,030 --> 00:30:26,170
I would give it
one powerful try,
591
00:30:28,160 --> 00:30:30,180
And this would be
a night for it,
592
00:31:03,000 --> 00:31:06,050
Oh, bartender,
another bottle of this,
593
00:31:17,130 --> 00:31:19,010
Two dollars,
594
00:31:20,150 --> 00:31:22,050
Sheesh,
595
00:31:22,050 --> 00:31:25,060
Swill that passes itself off
as whisky,
596
00:31:25,060 --> 00:31:27,090
Hmm,
597
00:31:27,090 --> 00:31:30,000
Two dollars to curdle
your insides,
598
00:31:31,160 --> 00:31:34,130
It's a lot better
than the stuff we sell,
599
00:31:34,130 --> 00:31:36,050
What did you say?
600
00:31:36,050 --> 00:31:37,120
Oh, nothin',
601
00:31:37,120 --> 00:31:40,110
No, go on, Rolpho,
602
00:31:40,110 --> 00:31:42,060
Passing judgment perhaps?
603
00:31:42,060 --> 00:31:45,110
Some critical comment
on something or other
604
00:31:45,110 --> 00:31:47,000
that you've dredged up
605
00:31:47,000 --> 00:31:50,050
out of that thin ditch
you call a brain?
606
00:31:50,050 --> 00:31:53,000
Well, it's just that
you keep on
607
00:31:53,000 --> 00:31:55,090
telling them people
it cures all them things,
608
00:31:55,090 --> 00:31:59,010
all them sicksnesses
and diseases,
609
00:32:00,030 --> 00:32:02,140
Even that sick little girl,
610
00:32:02,140 --> 00:32:04,150
And all it is is just
a little caramel color,
611
00:32:04,150 --> 00:32:06,130
a little wood alcohol,
612
00:32:06,130 --> 00:32:07,210
and a little burnt cork--
613
00:32:07,210 --> 00:32:09,070
it don't seem fair,
614
00:32:11,100 --> 00:32:13,080
You just don't understand,
615
00:32:13,080 --> 00:32:15,210
do you, Rolpho?
616
00:32:15,210 --> 00:32:18,110
All right, so it doesn't
cure dyspepsia,
617
00:32:18,110 --> 00:32:20,120
it has no effects on boils
618
00:32:20,120 --> 00:32:21,140
or yellow fever
619
00:32:21,140 --> 00:32:23,100
or the dropsies,
620
00:32:23,100 --> 00:32:25,180
So what?
621
00:32:25,180 --> 00:32:29,150
Do you know what's
in Dr, String's Rejuvenator?
622
00:32:29,150 --> 00:32:30,180
Uh-uh,
623
00:32:30,180 --> 00:32:32,170
Dreams,
624
00:32:32,170 --> 00:32:35,050
It should be on the label,
625
00:32:35,050 --> 00:32:37,100
One part wishful thinking,
626
00:32:37,100 --> 00:32:39,170
one part ignorance,
627
00:32:39,170 --> 00:32:42,020
and one part
the sweat of little men
628
00:32:42,020 --> 00:32:44,010
who seek immortality
and are dumb enough
629
00:32:44,010 --> 00:32:45,230
to think it can be bottled,
630
00:32:47,150 --> 00:32:50,010
I should be getting
a hundred dollars a swallow
631
00:32:50,010 --> 00:32:53,040
for that stuff, and a medal
at the same time,
632
00:32:54,130 --> 00:32:57,070
Because I give hope
633
00:32:57,070 --> 00:32:58,190
to the hopeless,
634
00:32:58,190 --> 00:33:01,000
dreams to the dreamless,
635
00:33:01,000 --> 00:33:03,080
an illusion of health
636
00:33:03,080 --> 00:33:05,160
to all the poor,
637
00:33:05,160 --> 00:33:07,030
doomed yokels that have a dollar
638
00:33:07,030 --> 00:33:09,220
in their jeans,
639
00:33:09,220 --> 00:33:12,020
You see, I let them
get a little peek
640
00:33:12,020 --> 00:33:14,160
over the pigsty,
641
00:33:14,160 --> 00:33:16,200
get a view of heaven,
642
00:33:16,200 --> 00:33:17,230
Hmm?
643
00:33:30,030 --> 00:33:32,110
Doc, she's so weak,
644
00:33:32,110 --> 00:33:34,120
She can't hardly
say anything now,
645
00:33:34,120 --> 00:33:36,060
She just lies there
646
00:33:36,060 --> 00:33:38,140
whimperin' with the pain,
647
00:33:38,140 --> 00:33:40,200
And she's hardly breathing,
648
00:33:40,200 --> 00:33:43,000
Take some advice, my friend,
649
00:33:43,000 --> 00:33:45,130
Keep her covered and warm,
650
00:33:45,130 --> 00:33:48,140
Give her enough whisky
to make her numb
651
00:33:48,140 --> 00:33:51,100
and find a reverend,
652
00:33:51,100 --> 00:33:53,200
You told me she'd be well again!
653
00:33:53,200 --> 00:33:56,040
Who the hell do you think he is,
654
00:33:56,040 --> 00:33:57,090
Saint Francis?
655
00:33:57,090 --> 00:33:59,020
This is a medicine man, mister,
656
00:33:59,020 --> 00:34:01,140
He'll break your heart
for a 50-cent piece,
657
00:34:01,140 --> 00:34:03,130
What am I gonna do?
658
00:34:03,130 --> 00:34:04,150
What about my kid?
659
00:34:04,150 --> 00:34:06,150
What am I gonna do?
660
00:34:06,150 --> 00:34:08,020
She's lying out there
in the buckboard
661
00:34:08,020 --> 00:34:10,040
dying an inch at a time,
662
00:34:14,190 --> 00:34:17,080
Rolpho, go get me another bottle
663
00:34:17,080 --> 00:34:19,060
of the rejuvenator,
664
00:34:19,060 --> 00:34:21,020
My dear God, haven't you,,,
665
00:34:21,020 --> 00:34:23,140
Rolpho, go do
what I told you,
666
00:34:25,180 --> 00:34:29,080
- If you think for one--
- Be quiet, Dr, Snyder!
667
00:34:32,060 --> 00:34:34,100
Dr, Snyder here is the protector
668
00:34:34,100 --> 00:34:37,020
of the common good,
669
00:34:37,020 --> 00:34:39,040
a drunk, and a sot,
670
00:34:39,040 --> 00:34:40,150
and an unhealed healer,
671
00:34:40,150 --> 00:34:43,040
but he claims to speak
672
00:34:43,040 --> 00:34:45,170
for the speechless,
673
00:34:45,170 --> 00:34:47,150
You know what I do, brother?
674
00:34:47,150 --> 00:34:49,100
I sell faith,
675
00:34:49,100 --> 00:34:51,190
I am gonna give that child
of yours enough belief
676
00:34:51,190 --> 00:34:54,060
so that she can kick her way
out of a pine coffin
677
00:34:54,060 --> 00:34:56,080
if she needs to be,
do you understand me?
678
00:34:56,080 --> 00:34:59,040
If that child crosses over
into the shadows,
679
00:34:59,040 --> 00:35:01,160
I am gonna bring her back
to life,
680
00:35:03,130 --> 00:35:06,050
Now,,,you go get her,
681
00:35:19,080 --> 00:35:20,190
Why don't you just bushwhack him
682
00:35:20,190 --> 00:35:23,010
out there in the storm?
683
00:35:23,010 --> 00:35:25,140
Knife him for his wallet,
684
00:35:25,140 --> 00:35:27,090
Compared to what you're doing,
685
00:35:27,090 --> 00:35:30,140
that would be an act
of Christian charity,
686
00:35:33,010 --> 00:35:35,000
For a soused-up wreck,
you've got a lot of judgments
687
00:35:35,000 --> 00:35:37,190
in you, haven't you?
688
00:35:37,190 --> 00:35:39,190
Well, for the moment,
why don't you just go back
689
00:35:39,190 --> 00:35:41,100
to your bottle and shut up?
690
00:35:42,200 --> 00:35:46,030
Or better,
691
00:35:46,030 --> 00:35:47,190
you go out to that mournful man
692
00:35:47,190 --> 00:35:49,070
and read him some Latin
693
00:35:49,070 --> 00:35:52,000
out of the medical books,
694
00:35:52,000 --> 00:35:54,080
Or you tell him with the charts
695
00:35:54,080 --> 00:35:58,030
how irrevocable death is,,,
696
00:35:58,030 --> 00:36:00,230
and then see
who he believes, hmm?
697
00:36:00,230 --> 00:36:03,090
You,,,or me?
698
00:36:12,120 --> 00:36:14,090
( wind whistling )
699
00:37:02,030 --> 00:37:05,150
- She's dead,
- Hmm,
700
00:37:05,150 --> 00:37:08,160
Another of your razor-sharp
perceptions, huh?
701
00:37:09,190 --> 00:37:13,010
But,,,not an unworthy effort
702
00:37:13,010 --> 00:37:14,230
on my part,
703
00:37:14,230 --> 00:37:17,040
I just took the long shot,
704
00:37:17,040 --> 00:37:18,210
If she'd lived,
they'd be speaking my name
705
00:37:18,210 --> 00:37:21,110
down at the Texas border,
706
00:37:21,110 --> 00:37:23,100
Well, let's go, Rolpho,
707
00:37:23,100 --> 00:37:24,210
There are other towns,
708
00:37:24,210 --> 00:37:26,010
other sheep,
709
00:37:30,210 --> 00:37:33,050
You're leaving us, doctor?
710
00:37:35,040 --> 00:37:37,000
Well, I'm a travelin' man,
711
00:37:37,000 --> 00:37:39,050
And you'll never run
out of places
712
00:37:39,050 --> 00:37:41,030
to travel to, will you?
713
00:37:41,030 --> 00:37:44,080
Or poor ignorant people to rob,
714
00:37:44,080 --> 00:37:47,220
Deep pools of misery
that you're wading into
715
00:37:47,220 --> 00:37:50,040
with your dirty feet,
716
00:37:51,220 --> 00:37:53,160
What a prince of a fellow
717
00:37:53,160 --> 00:37:56,060
you are, medicine man,
718
00:37:58,040 --> 00:38:01,110
But there's a service
you perform,
719
00:38:01,110 --> 00:38:04,190
Whoever stands next to you,
720
00:38:04,190 --> 00:38:07,170
and it could be
the Devil himself,,,
721
00:38:09,100 --> 00:38:12,080
you make him look like God,
722
00:39:14,210 --> 00:39:17,190
Is this a haunt
or a resurrection?
723
00:39:23,020 --> 00:39:25,060
Did you kick yourself out
of that pine box
724
00:39:25,060 --> 00:39:28,060
or are you some floating spirit
725
00:39:28,060 --> 00:39:31,100
come to point a finger at me?
726
00:39:34,020 --> 00:39:35,230
( wind whistling )
727
00:39:45,150 --> 00:39:47,130
Stay,
728
00:39:47,130 --> 00:39:48,190
Stay right where you are, child,
729
00:39:48,190 --> 00:39:50,200
Stay where you are!
730
00:39:56,160 --> 00:39:58,130
( thud )
731
00:40:04,120 --> 00:40:06,000
MAN:
I just don't understand it,
732
00:40:06,000 --> 00:40:09,070
That sign missed him
by a good foot,
733
00:40:09,070 --> 00:40:11,110
His heart just quit on him,
I reckon,
734
00:40:12,200 --> 00:40:15,020
Well, I'll just
leave you in here
735
00:40:15,020 --> 00:40:17,010
to pay your respects,
736
00:40:17,010 --> 00:40:19,000
Oh, bring the lantern
when you come out,
737
00:40:41,080 --> 00:40:42,230
ROLPHO: Fool old man,
738
00:40:42,230 --> 00:40:45,080
thought you were smart,
739
00:40:48,080 --> 00:40:51,080
Turns out you be
the dumbest of them all,
740
00:41:04,070 --> 00:41:05,150
What'd you do that for?
741
00:41:05,150 --> 00:41:07,180
Why not?
742
00:41:07,180 --> 00:41:10,090
Nothing in there
worth anything,
743
00:41:12,010 --> 00:41:13,220
Nothing in there
worth anything either,
744
00:41:27,080 --> 00:41:29,060
Our final selection
this evening,
745
00:41:29,060 --> 00:41:31,090
an import
from that other region,
746
00:41:31,090 --> 00:41:34,090
that infernal inferno
down below,
747
00:41:34,090 --> 00:41:37,010
Offered to you now
in living color
748
00:41:37,010 --> 00:41:39,130
and with a small scent
of sulfur,
749
00:41:39,130 --> 00:41:40,220
Our painting is called
750
00:41:40,220 --> 00:41:43,110
Hell's Bells,
751
00:42:10,180 --> 00:42:12,140
( tires squeal )
752
00:42:28,220 --> 00:42:30,220
(echoing)
Blasphemer!
753
00:42:30,220 --> 00:42:33,170
Liar!
754
00:42:33,170 --> 00:42:35,220
Parasite!
755
00:42:37,050 --> 00:42:39,020
Cynic!
756
00:42:39,020 --> 00:42:41,070
Cheat!
757
00:42:41,070 --> 00:42:43,120
Hypocrite!
758
00:42:43,120 --> 00:42:45,200
Thief!
759
00:42:45,200 --> 00:42:48,070
Idolater!
760
00:42:51,020 --> 00:42:53,020
( fire crackling )
761
00:44:12,140 --> 00:44:14,160
Slob!
762
00:44:14,160 --> 00:44:17,120
You are a slob!
763
00:44:17,120 --> 00:44:20,040
- Hey, lady, is this it?
- Is this what?
764
00:44:20,040 --> 00:44:21,100
You know, hell,
765
00:44:21,100 --> 00:44:25,040
No, this is the waiting room,
766
00:44:25,040 --> 00:44:27,090
We're very rushed,
767
00:44:27,090 --> 00:44:29,140
They're sending too many people
down here lately,
768
00:44:29,140 --> 00:44:31,110
I don't know
what they expect us to do,
769
00:44:31,110 --> 00:44:34,120
You'll have to take your turn
just like every--
770
00:44:34,120 --> 00:44:38,100
I don't know what you think
this is all about, young man,
771
00:44:38,100 --> 00:44:40,190
but this is no pig pen,
772
00:44:40,190 --> 00:44:43,230
Neat, You've got to be neat,
773
00:44:43,230 --> 00:44:45,230
Don't get uptight with me, lady,
774
00:44:45,230 --> 00:44:47,140
Fat lady!
775
00:44:47,140 --> 00:44:48,190
I'm hip,
776
00:44:50,060 --> 00:44:52,000
Uh,,,
777
00:44:52,000 --> 00:44:54,220
Fat Lady, all I was doing
was driving my car,,,
778
00:44:54,220 --> 00:44:57,010
I don't have any time
for discussions,
779
00:45:02,130 --> 00:45:04,180
Well, that's pretty far out,
780
00:45:08,000 --> 00:45:09,180
So this is it, huh?
781
00:45:11,020 --> 00:45:14,090
Hell, Man,
how bad can it be?
782
00:45:47,190 --> 00:45:50,010
( sighs )
783
00:45:50,010 --> 00:45:51,140
That's a trip,
784
00:45:51,140 --> 00:45:54,020
( buzzing )
785
00:46:20,120 --> 00:46:22,090
Unbelievable!
786
00:46:24,070 --> 00:46:26,080
Hey, Records, man,
787
00:46:27,100 --> 00:46:30,020
Maybe I can hear some music,
788
00:46:30,020 --> 00:46:32,200
Wow! That's the most fantastic
stack of records
789
00:46:32,200 --> 00:46:34,050
I've ever seen,
790
00:46:34,050 --> 00:46:36,000
Maybe they got
one of my groups here,
791
00:46:36,000 --> 00:46:38,220
( old-fashioned music playing )
792
00:46:47,220 --> 00:46:50,010
( music continues )
793
00:47:01,110 --> 00:47:03,210
Hey, can you do something
about that music?
794
00:47:03,210 --> 00:47:05,120
Slob!
795
00:47:07,000 --> 00:47:09,220
( music playing )
796
00:47:13,150 --> 00:47:15,140
MAN: Nice weather
for this time of year,
797
00:47:17,000 --> 00:47:18,190
Hey, man,
798
00:47:18,190 --> 00:47:20,120
Am I glad to see you,
799
00:47:20,120 --> 00:47:21,170
I thought I was gonna
have to wait
800
00:47:21,170 --> 00:47:22,210
alone in this room,
801
00:47:22,210 --> 00:47:24,150
Hey, can you tell me
802
00:47:24,150 --> 00:47:27,130
what time does the next group
leave for Hell?
803
00:47:27,130 --> 00:47:30,060
Of course,
it's colder than last Tuesday,
804
00:47:30,060 --> 00:47:32,110
but no point
in worrying about that,
805
00:47:32,110 --> 00:47:35,110
It's warmer than it was
two weeks ago come Thursday,
806
00:47:35,110 --> 00:47:37,060
Hey, you're right, man,
That's beautiful,
807
00:47:37,060 --> 00:47:38,170
We got to talk
about other things,
808
00:47:38,170 --> 00:47:40,060
Get our minds off this place
809
00:47:40,060 --> 00:47:42,180
and that music, Yeah,
810
00:47:42,180 --> 00:47:45,030
Hey, isn't that something
about The Beatles splitting up?
811
00:47:45,030 --> 00:47:48,070
Best thing for beetles
is tincture of arsenic,
812
00:47:48,070 --> 00:47:50,100
Of course, down in the farm,
we used to use
813
00:47:50,100 --> 00:47:52,010
old-fashioned zinc powder,
814
00:47:52,010 --> 00:47:54,020
Rain'd wash it off,
till Granddaddy
815
00:47:54,020 --> 00:47:56,010
mixed it with glue,
816
00:47:56,010 --> 00:47:58,180
No man,
I'm talking about the group!
817
00:47:58,180 --> 00:48:01,020
Baby had the croup once,
818
00:48:01,020 --> 00:48:02,220
Grandma mixed up
some camphor
819
00:48:02,220 --> 00:48:04,140
and boiled it in sulfur,
820
00:48:04,140 --> 00:48:06,030
Hey, you know something, man,
821
00:48:06,030 --> 00:48:07,060
you are boring,
822
00:48:07,060 --> 00:48:08,080
Yeah,
823
00:48:08,080 --> 00:48:10,130
You are a bore!
824
00:48:10,130 --> 00:48:12,230
This whole place is boring!
825
00:48:12,230 --> 00:48:14,150
Bummer!
826
00:48:14,150 --> 00:48:15,170
MAN: You're in luck,
827
00:48:15,170 --> 00:48:17,110
Yessiree, luck,
828
00:48:17,110 --> 00:48:19,010
Little woman here
is gonna show you
829
00:48:19,010 --> 00:48:21,150
the 8,500 slides
she took of our trip
830
00:48:21,150 --> 00:48:23,190
down to Tijuana, Mexico,
831
00:48:23,190 --> 00:48:24,210
How many slides?
832
00:48:24,210 --> 00:48:25,230
MAN: 8,500,
833
00:48:25,230 --> 00:48:27,090
Oh, no, man, no,
834
00:48:27,090 --> 00:48:29,040
Come on,
I wanna see the Devil,
835
00:48:29,040 --> 00:48:30,120
Where are you, man?!
836
00:48:30,120 --> 00:48:32,140
Show your ugly face!
837
00:48:32,140 --> 00:48:34,220
Having a good time?
838
00:48:34,220 --> 00:48:37,100
- Are you the Devil?
- I am,
839
00:48:37,100 --> 00:48:38,180
Hey, man, that's far out,
840
00:48:38,180 --> 00:48:41,010
I'll get the lights, dear,
841
00:48:42,160 --> 00:48:44,150
Hey, tell me,
what is this put-on?
842
00:48:44,150 --> 00:48:46,040
I beg your pardon?
843
00:48:46,040 --> 00:48:47,200
No, I mean, how long
are you gonna keep me
844
00:48:47,200 --> 00:48:48,220
in this dumb room?
845
00:48:48,220 --> 00:48:50,120
I mean, when do we go to Hell?
846
00:48:50,120 --> 00:48:52,150
The whips and the chains,
the boiling oil,
847
00:48:52,150 --> 00:48:53,230
snakes, all that stuff?
848
00:48:53,230 --> 00:48:56,040
( music playing )
849
00:48:57,110 --> 00:48:59,140
This is it,
850
00:48:59,140 --> 00:49:00,200
What do you mean this is it?
851
00:49:00,200 --> 00:49:03,160
- This is Hell?
- Yes,
852
00:49:03,160 --> 00:49:05,030
WOMAN: This first one I took
853
00:49:05,030 --> 00:49:07,140
from the freeway in San Diego,
854
00:49:07,140 --> 00:49:09,030
My dear boy, Hell is never
855
00:49:09,030 --> 00:49:10,180
what you expect it to be,
856
00:49:10,180 --> 00:49:13,030
But for you, this is it,
857
00:49:13,030 --> 00:49:14,180
Don't you like it?
858
00:49:14,180 --> 00:49:16,060
No, man, it's a downer,
859
00:49:16,060 --> 00:49:17,190
Yes, it is, isn't it?
860
00:49:17,190 --> 00:49:19,140
Of course, you can't see it
too clearly
861
00:49:19,140 --> 00:49:21,220
because Greg
was driving so fast,
862
00:49:21,220 --> 00:49:23,190
You know,
it's a curious thing,
863
00:49:23,190 --> 00:49:26,180
but they have
exactly the same room
864
00:49:26,180 --> 00:49:28,130
up there,
865
00:49:28,130 --> 00:49:31,160
What do you mean, that guy,
those slide people?
866
00:49:31,160 --> 00:49:33,180
This wallpaper?
867
00:49:33,180 --> 00:49:35,000
They got that in heaven?
868
00:49:35,000 --> 00:49:36,070
Yes, you see,
869
00:49:36,070 --> 00:49:38,050
while this room
is hell for you,
870
00:49:38,050 --> 00:49:39,200
absolute beastly hell,
871
00:49:39,200 --> 00:49:41,180
up there, the identical room
872
00:49:41,180 --> 00:49:44,200
is someone else's idea
of heaven,
873
00:49:44,200 --> 00:49:46,030
Think about that,
874
00:49:47,210 --> 00:49:49,000
Bye,
875
00:49:50,210 --> 00:49:53,000
( music playing )
876
00:49:53,000 --> 00:49:55,190
No, Bummer,
877
00:49:55,190 --> 00:49:57,030
Bummer,
878
00:49:57,030 --> 00:49:59,120
Bummer, bummer, bummer!
879
00:49:59,120 --> 00:50:00,200
WOMAN: Now this one shows
880
00:50:00,200 --> 00:50:03,090
the new 747
on its way to Hawaii,
881
00:50:03,090 --> 00:50:05,090
No dear, that's a seagull,
882
00:50:05,090 --> 00:50:08,190
Oh, I thought
it was one of those new 747s,
883
00:50:08,190 --> 00:50:10,130
Anyhow,
here in the corner
884
00:50:10,130 --> 00:50:12,060
is part of the Navy shipyard,
885
00:50:12,060 --> 00:50:13,220
There was supposed to be
an aircraft carrier,
886
00:50:13,220 --> 00:50:15,100
but I missed it,
887
00:50:15,100 --> 00:50:18,050
You can still see
part of the anchor,,,,
888
00:50:24,050 --> 00:50:26,050
( music playing )